I am in awe over friends and relatives who have health issues and who keep daily struggles to themselves. I try to. But today, I want to rant. It is so hard scaling everything back the past few years -especially the past two. I actually think I'm on the upswing in pain management, but re-learning to trust my limits has been rather limiting. My body has betrayed me so many times through the years when I've run my battery to 100% that I got paranoid and started living at 25%. That is a bad habit to fall in to. Yes, my body feels much better, but my brain does not. Depression set in. I'm back to 50% the past few months. That means that I feel pretty normal about every other day. Basically, I will do normal mom/human/wife things one day, and the next day is a rest day (rather, a writhing in pain or sleep 18 hours day). The biggest change to moving forward to 50% is one task at a time. Rest. Next task. Rest. Visit chiropractor. Rest. Task. Rest. Visit massage therapist. Rest. Another task. Rest. Try to work to pay for chiropractor and massage. Rest. You get the picture.
The other biggest change is working outside of the home. For 15 years I have been super blessed with working from home, but I'm ready for a change. I need to socialize part time and get paid to do so (because really, I'm totally a content home body otherwise). The days I substitute at the school I feel great. I will be making some major changes work wise by this time next year. I'm excited about it. I can't give a 2 weeks notice at my work, so I'm giving them one more season and hope I can gather the strength of mind and discipline of time to get everything in order to do so. Then on to new adventures.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Blessed are the Little Ones
The past seven weeks have been hard. Depression has hit me with its ugly wave and I haven't bounced back yet. Depression is funny in me - I'm not sad about everything or angry or anything - I'm just still. It takes an hour to get out of bed. I could sleep for 20 hours. I can go without eating for nearly a day. Usually I crawl out of these depression sessions in a week or two, but I haven't yet. So I went to the doctor to get on some medicine and hopefully it will kick in soon. I've accepted that my genetic make up comes with brown eyes, red hair, fair skin, short stature, and depression. Thing is, I can get a tan, dye my hair, wear high heals, and put on colored contacts to change for the first few items, but the depression is really hard to kick when it comes. It will go, but for now, my little black rain cloud is hovering over.
This is where blessed are the little ones comes in. In the fog of depression, I sometimes do spontaneous things like starting a new job. This is how I dare myself. I've always wanted to pay it forward with the special education classes the way they have helped my son. My friend Kerri asked if I could be a substitute in the functional skills preschool at our local elementary and I said yes. I get paid to be around the most adorable kids who haven't been on earth that long. Some are autistic. Some can't walk well. Some can't talk. But they can giggle and laugh and try hardest to do what they are there to do to learn and play.I go once a week to sub and it has been worth it. The main cure for my depression or fibromyalgia flare up pain has been staying occupied with something. The pain disappears when I'm busy and returns full blast when I'm not. If that is the trick to getting better, I'm always working towards it.
I want to embrace each parent that drops off their child at preschool and tell them, "You can do it! Your child will achieve what matters for them most." I see myself in them - tearful, scared, frustrated, angry, and discouraged about their child who has so many challenges ahead of them. My son grew and improved. We have "leveled up" in so many areas. Education is still a struggle - he just doesn't grasp on to concepts much of the time. He's a great typer, but handwriting is a struggle. He can read beautifully, but can't comprehend what he read about. He can draw comic art with hilarious cartoon characters, but he struggles to cut and paste things. I am preparing myself for the day he needs to be home schooled but I feel pulled to leave him in school because he is so socially happy. That is a huge bonus with autism. So right now, I'm going with the flow, trusting my Heavenly Father, saying prayers to help me have more faith than fear in raising my children and trying to calm down my mama nerves. I feel blessed to work with these special children with special needs. I can't wait to meet them someday in heaven fully restored and thank them for letting me help them.
This is where blessed are the little ones comes in. In the fog of depression, I sometimes do spontaneous things like starting a new job. This is how I dare myself. I've always wanted to pay it forward with the special education classes the way they have helped my son. My friend Kerri asked if I could be a substitute in the functional skills preschool at our local elementary and I said yes. I get paid to be around the most adorable kids who haven't been on earth that long. Some are autistic. Some can't walk well. Some can't talk. But they can giggle and laugh and try hardest to do what they are there to do to learn and play.I go once a week to sub and it has been worth it. The main cure for my depression or fibromyalgia flare up pain has been staying occupied with something. The pain disappears when I'm busy and returns full blast when I'm not. If that is the trick to getting better, I'm always working towards it.
I want to embrace each parent that drops off their child at preschool and tell them, "You can do it! Your child will achieve what matters for them most." I see myself in them - tearful, scared, frustrated, angry, and discouraged about their child who has so many challenges ahead of them. My son grew and improved. We have "leveled up" in so many areas. Education is still a struggle - he just doesn't grasp on to concepts much of the time. He's a great typer, but handwriting is a struggle. He can read beautifully, but can't comprehend what he read about. He can draw comic art with hilarious cartoon characters, but he struggles to cut and paste things. I am preparing myself for the day he needs to be home schooled but I feel pulled to leave him in school because he is so socially happy. That is a huge bonus with autism. So right now, I'm going with the flow, trusting my Heavenly Father, saying prayers to help me have more faith than fear in raising my children and trying to calm down my mama nerves. I feel blessed to work with these special children with special needs. I can't wait to meet them someday in heaven fully restored and thank them for letting me help them.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
July
We went to visit Ryan's family in the Seattle area over 4th of July. We generally go there every summer. My in-laws live on Lake Tapps and have the ultimate grandparent house: a boat, seadoo, slide, paddle boat, dock, and more than a dozen cousins to enjoy it all with. Traveling to Washington is all Travis can talk about 11 months a year. Today he told me we should move there for 5 months. Not sure why for 5 months . . . but it is his happy place and it was a very relaxing and fun vacation. We visited with the Parmers who moved there last year and it was nice to catch up with them and have the kids play together as well.
The kids and I had some down time the week we got back and spent it mostly cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, catching up with friends, Lagoon, swimming, etc. Kellie Thorley Leonard (my best friend in high school) and her son Austin came to visit on Saturday from Virginia. I feel so loved when friends make the time to stop by when they have busy schedules visiting relatives. It was so fun catching up with her and finally meeting one of her kids.
Our ward had family week last week and had a movie night that Ryan set up a sound system for. One of our speakers finally bit the dust and blew out. Travis was upset about it (he collects speakers) but when Ryan let him and Trent take a sledgehammer to it and break it down, he thought that was about as much fun as having a working speaker. Ryan cracked a rib at the ward water party and learned the hard way that he can't compete with the 17 year olds on the slip and slide anymore. Even in his pain he worked 20 hours ripping out our deck and rebuilding the stairs. He and Trent had some weird 48 hour bug that got to them, too. Poor guys!
Trent's friend Bradley came over for a sleepover last week. We went swimming at the neighbor's pool when Bradley kept complaining about his stomach hurting. He didn't eat and looked pretty nauseous as the night wore on and asked to go home. I told him to have his parents get his appendix checked - not sure why I thought of that. Then, I woke up four times in the night worried about his appendix and being told to call his mom and tell her to take him in to the hospital. I felt scared for him because his parents were leaving to Hawaii the next day. I let his mom know my concern but unfortunately they didn't take him in. Fast forward to a few days later . . . Bradley is in the hospital with a burst appendix, his sweet grandma is exhausted caring for him, and his cute siblings and disabled uncle who traveled with the grandmother are trying to keep the house going. I made them a gluten free dinner last night and took the youngest brother today. I'm running his grandma back from the hospital tomorrow and taking his uncle there to spell her off (they don't drive) and then will take a turn giving them a break in the afternoon. Bradley will be in the hospital for another week or so until the infection clears up. His parents return from Hawaii on Saturday. They are a military family and move every two years and don't have a lot of friends or family locally here. I'm so glad we can help. Poor Trent is especially worried about Bradley - he is his closest friend and they play EVERY DAY together. He understands that Bradley won't have the strength to do much of anything for 3-4 weeks and is disapointed that their summer plans are pretty much squashed. Poor kids.
Boni and Barry and the kids came this week to visit Utah. This is their first time (except for Courtney who came in April with Grandma and Grandpa). It's so fun to have them visit. Cole is severely allergic to cats so it's been a little tricky for them with him. We understand allergies - Rachel has been getting allergy shots for two years just so we can keep the cats. Talk about a dedicated girl.
I can't believe school starts in 5 weeks. We still have EFY for Rachel, Laurel Retreat for me to help out with, Scout Camp, and Girls Camp all in the next 3 weeks. Health wise I have lots of strength and energy for 3-4 day spurts but then will have 1-2 days flat in bed with pain and exhaustion. I literally can't eat or drink I'm so exhausted. I mowed the lawn and did some yard work the other day and it sent me in such a bad flare up it was like I had arthritis in my hands and couldn't bend them and arthritis in my ankles, knees, and toes where it was hard to walk. It is so discouraging. But I'm continually grateful for a patient and helpful husband and children who never question my pain and discomfort and always help out. I am blessed.
The kids and I had some down time the week we got back and spent it mostly cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, catching up with friends, Lagoon, swimming, etc. Kellie Thorley Leonard (my best friend in high school) and her son Austin came to visit on Saturday from Virginia. I feel so loved when friends make the time to stop by when they have busy schedules visiting relatives. It was so fun catching up with her and finally meeting one of her kids.
Our ward had family week last week and had a movie night that Ryan set up a sound system for. One of our speakers finally bit the dust and blew out. Travis was upset about it (he collects speakers) but when Ryan let him and Trent take a sledgehammer to it and break it down, he thought that was about as much fun as having a working speaker. Ryan cracked a rib at the ward water party and learned the hard way that he can't compete with the 17 year olds on the slip and slide anymore. Even in his pain he worked 20 hours ripping out our deck and rebuilding the stairs. He and Trent had some weird 48 hour bug that got to them, too. Poor guys!
Trent's friend Bradley came over for a sleepover last week. We went swimming at the neighbor's pool when Bradley kept complaining about his stomach hurting. He didn't eat and looked pretty nauseous as the night wore on and asked to go home. I told him to have his parents get his appendix checked - not sure why I thought of that. Then, I woke up four times in the night worried about his appendix and being told to call his mom and tell her to take him in to the hospital. I felt scared for him because his parents were leaving to Hawaii the next day. I let his mom know my concern but unfortunately they didn't take him in. Fast forward to a few days later . . . Bradley is in the hospital with a burst appendix, his sweet grandma is exhausted caring for him, and his cute siblings and disabled uncle who traveled with the grandmother are trying to keep the house going. I made them a gluten free dinner last night and took the youngest brother today. I'm running his grandma back from the hospital tomorrow and taking his uncle there to spell her off (they don't drive) and then will take a turn giving them a break in the afternoon. Bradley will be in the hospital for another week or so until the infection clears up. His parents return from Hawaii on Saturday. They are a military family and move every two years and don't have a lot of friends or family locally here. I'm so glad we can help. Poor Trent is especially worried about Bradley - he is his closest friend and they play EVERY DAY together. He understands that Bradley won't have the strength to do much of anything for 3-4 weeks and is disapointed that their summer plans are pretty much squashed. Poor kids.
Boni and Barry and the kids came this week to visit Utah. This is their first time (except for Courtney who came in April with Grandma and Grandpa). It's so fun to have them visit. Cole is severely allergic to cats so it's been a little tricky for them with him. We understand allergies - Rachel has been getting allergy shots for two years just so we can keep the cats. Talk about a dedicated girl.
I can't believe school starts in 5 weeks. We still have EFY for Rachel, Laurel Retreat for me to help out with, Scout Camp, and Girls Camp all in the next 3 weeks. Health wise I have lots of strength and energy for 3-4 day spurts but then will have 1-2 days flat in bed with pain and exhaustion. I literally can't eat or drink I'm so exhausted. I mowed the lawn and did some yard work the other day and it sent me in such a bad flare up it was like I had arthritis in my hands and couldn't bend them and arthritis in my ankles, knees, and toes where it was hard to walk. It is so discouraging. But I'm continually grateful for a patient and helpful husband and children who never question my pain and discomfort and always help out. I am blessed.
Monday, July 07, 2014
May & June Happenings
We bought season passes to Lagoon (since we aren't paying out so many hospital bills anymore - yay!) and have gone there once a week or so to swim and go on rides. Travis isn't as confident with the rides there as he was in the past. We have to split up as parents to keep the older ones happy at the amusement park.
Travis: Travis has spent each day watching his favorite TV shows Gravity Falls, Top Gear, and Nitro Circus. His favorite activity is to go swimming and he'd do it every day if he could. He attended Cub Scout day camp at Camp Keisel with his best friend Roan. He plays a lot with Tyson and Presley as well. The last few months of school were really hard for him due to a change of curriculum and schedule which he struggled to transition to. There were lots of thunderstorms as well (he hates the noise) and he had a lot of panic attacks over those. Our house got struck by lightening, too, which set his confidence in the weather back another ten steps. He is doing great this summer with a more free schedule to do and play what he wants. He really enjoyed going to Washington at the end of June and playing with cousins and at the lake. Aunt SherRae gave him a few pointers on swimming with a life jacket in the cold lake and that gave him the confidence to swim all over, go in the paddle boat alone, and slide down the slide. I am so proud of him! His favorite candy is Mike and Ike's Berry Blast and he asks for some every day. He and Roan attended Arts in the Park for a few days together, too.
Trent: Trent took swim lessons to prepare for trying out for the swim team. He is very confident in the water and swims like a fish. He and Travis enjoy riding on their rip rider big wheels they got for Easter. They zoom around the neighborhood and turn heads. Trent is really involved in Boy Scouts and went on two camp outs. He graduated from 6th grade and made the decision to go transfer to Central Junior High for 7th grade. We haven't been very impressed with our assigned junior high and are excited for the change of scene and social crowd that awaits. Trent spends a lot of time playing basketball with the neighbor kids. His cousin Nathan has come over a few times and he has gone down there as well. Trent flew on the airplane alone a few days before the family drove out and visited with Caden and his family and cousins for a few days. His siblings missed him and were a tad bit jealous, but this was something special just for Trent to do and I'm proud of him for being so responsible.
Rachel: This girl loves to be busy! She got a job working with Layton City Parks and Rec and is working with the Arts in the Park program. This is one of the few jobs that hires 15 year olds and she beat out a lot of other candidates. She presents herself so well in interviews and has done a great job working. It's been a great summer job because she only works on TWTh for 5 hours. She will be able to attend EFY and girls camp without missing work and even got to go on our family trip. She has the option to pick up a few extra shifts working at track meets and other city events. Her co-workers are a lot of fun and she is enjoying herself. She took drivers education and is learning to drive. She enjoys dances and shopping and hanging out with Katee and Morgan the most. She's gearing up for the school play she made it in. They are doing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It should be fun!
Travis: Travis has spent each day watching his favorite TV shows Gravity Falls, Top Gear, and Nitro Circus. His favorite activity is to go swimming and he'd do it every day if he could. He attended Cub Scout day camp at Camp Keisel with his best friend Roan. He plays a lot with Tyson and Presley as well. The last few months of school were really hard for him due to a change of curriculum and schedule which he struggled to transition to. There were lots of thunderstorms as well (he hates the noise) and he had a lot of panic attacks over those. Our house got struck by lightening, too, which set his confidence in the weather back another ten steps. He is doing great this summer with a more free schedule to do and play what he wants. He really enjoyed going to Washington at the end of June and playing with cousins and at the lake. Aunt SherRae gave him a few pointers on swimming with a life jacket in the cold lake and that gave him the confidence to swim all over, go in the paddle boat alone, and slide down the slide. I am so proud of him! His favorite candy is Mike and Ike's Berry Blast and he asks for some every day. He and Roan attended Arts in the Park for a few days together, too.
Trent: Trent took swim lessons to prepare for trying out for the swim team. He is very confident in the water and swims like a fish. He and Travis enjoy riding on their rip rider big wheels they got for Easter. They zoom around the neighborhood and turn heads. Trent is really involved in Boy Scouts and went on two camp outs. He graduated from 6th grade and made the decision to go transfer to Central Junior High for 7th grade. We haven't been very impressed with our assigned junior high and are excited for the change of scene and social crowd that awaits. Trent spends a lot of time playing basketball with the neighbor kids. His cousin Nathan has come over a few times and he has gone down there as well. Trent flew on the airplane alone a few days before the family drove out and visited with Caden and his family and cousins for a few days. His siblings missed him and were a tad bit jealous, but this was something special just for Trent to do and I'm proud of him for being so responsible.
Rachel: This girl loves to be busy! She got a job working with Layton City Parks and Rec and is working with the Arts in the Park program. This is one of the few jobs that hires 15 year olds and she beat out a lot of other candidates. She presents herself so well in interviews and has done a great job working. It's been a great summer job because she only works on TWTh for 5 hours. She will be able to attend EFY and girls camp without missing work and even got to go on our family trip. She has the option to pick up a few extra shifts working at track meets and other city events. Her co-workers are a lot of fun and she is enjoying herself. She took drivers education and is learning to drive. She enjoys dances and shopping and hanging out with Katee and Morgan the most. She's gearing up for the school play she made it in. They are doing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It should be fun!
Surgery Recap
This summer has been great! The past 3 years we have been bombarded with surgeries and this year (knock on wood) there have been no accidents or surgeries. In 2011, I had some female surgery and a breast reduction. The recovery from the breast reduction took 6 weeks to heal from. Normally it is a 2-3 week recovery, but later I learned I had fibromyalgia and my body takes double time to get over just about anything. Ryan had a very invasive sinus and deviated septum surgery in his nose. His doctor had been doing these surgeries for over 30 years and said Ryan's was one of the most challenging he had ever done. Rachel had surgery on her left knee to correct a leg length problem in June. Then, unexpectedly, her appendix had to be removed. We had postponed a trip to Washington twice already as we hadn't recovered well enough for the bumpy and long car ride. Her appendix surgery came the night before we were to leave on our third attempt for a family trip. We just cancelled it all and went at Christmas time instead. Travis had tubes put in his ears after 8 months of ear infections. Thankfully, it solved the problem and no more pain for him.
2012 Surgeries - Rachel had a second set of pins put in her left knee. Poor thing limped all summer but was a great sport about it. Ryan had some freaky pains going on in his stomach and we thought he needed to get his appendix removed. He ended up being fine but had to endure a lot of pain from a unknown source. Travis had a lot of health issues from August - June and was in and out of the hospital. It was a very scary experience I'll right about later.
2013 Surgeries - Rachel had the pins removed from her knee in July. Dad and the boys went to Washington without us while I helped her recover and tended to my own health issues. Thankfully I started a new medicine at the end of summer that has really helped my fibromyalgia pain decrease. Trent, who is our healthiest child, fell on a merry go round at a park during his friend's birthday party and got a cut to the bone. Bro. Hall (neighbor and friend) was on duty at the care clinic and got to stitch Trent up with a fine V shaped scar on his shin. Trent does not handle injuries well, so I'm glad he doesn't have issues often.
2014 - We are healthy! No hospital visits. Amen to that.
2012 Surgeries - Rachel had a second set of pins put in her left knee. Poor thing limped all summer but was a great sport about it. Ryan had some freaky pains going on in his stomach and we thought he needed to get his appendix removed. He ended up being fine but had to endure a lot of pain from a unknown source. Travis had a lot of health issues from August - June and was in and out of the hospital. It was a very scary experience I'll right about later.
2013 Surgeries - Rachel had the pins removed from her knee in July. Dad and the boys went to Washington without us while I helped her recover and tended to my own health issues. Thankfully I started a new medicine at the end of summer that has really helped my fibromyalgia pain decrease. Trent, who is our healthiest child, fell on a merry go round at a park during his friend's birthday party and got a cut to the bone. Bro. Hall (neighbor and friend) was on duty at the care clinic and got to stitch Trent up with a fine V shaped scar on his shin. Trent does not handle injuries well, so I'm glad he doesn't have issues often.
2014 - We are healthy! No hospital visits. Amen to that.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Thoughts on Grief and Comfort
Nicole moved into my school and church in sixth grade. I had never seen anyone like her. She was at least a foot taller than me and stood near six feet tall. She looked years older than the rest of us small students, yet she was only 12 years old and indeed in sixth grade. Nicole was shy and quiet but nice. I didn't have much in common with her beyond attending the same church with her, but the experience with her family that coming year would help me know her more.
My mother was her mom's visiting teacher. Each month my mom went and visited her mother. Nicole's mom always seemed tired and sick. She had advanced breast cancer. We soon were making visits to their home on a weekly basis and Nicole and her sisters often came over to my house after school. I tried hard to find common interests with her, but we never got further than playing with dolls or riding bikes. Nicole was rather quiet.
The day came when her mother passed away. It was on a Saturday during autumn. My mom asked me to come with her to the house to help comfort Nicole. I was scared to death. I never had never known anyone that had passed away before. I felt too small and inadequate to provide any comfort at all that could replace even an ounce of the grief Nicole and her family were experiencing. I prayed to God in earnest to help me know what to do and say.
We entered their tiny military house that was filled with snuffles and sobs. Nicole's blonde hair was streaked wet with her tears. I hugged her but froze with not knowing what to do or say. The room was crowded with family and friends. We needed to do something. We went outside and I saw some bikes in the carport. I asked her if she wanted to ride bikes and she nodded yes. Then we saw Chris from school riding his bike around the neighborhood. He seemed aware of the passing of Nicole's mom and wanted to do something for her, too. So we rode bikes. We didn't talk. We just rode and rode and rode. We rode on the grounds of an abandoned school house. We rode through the crunching leaves. We rode fast and we rode together. We cycled until we were too tired and thirsty and finally returned home after a few hours.
My son Trent is 12 and is on his second round of comforting his older cousin who is grieving the loss of his brother to suicide yesterday (he lost his mother to cancer 5 years ago). Nathan is the one who discovered his brother. It was awful. He is staying with us and my poor son doesn't know what to say. But I don't think he needs to say anything. He just needs to be by his side. When Nathan came over they hugged and then went upstairs and played with Hot Wheels. Then they watched a movie. Now they are playing video games and watching another movie. That is enough. Moment by moment they are comforting one another by grieving side by side.
My mother was her mom's visiting teacher. Each month my mom went and visited her mother. Nicole's mom always seemed tired and sick. She had advanced breast cancer. We soon were making visits to their home on a weekly basis and Nicole and her sisters often came over to my house after school. I tried hard to find common interests with her, but we never got further than playing with dolls or riding bikes. Nicole was rather quiet.
The day came when her mother passed away. It was on a Saturday during autumn. My mom asked me to come with her to the house to help comfort Nicole. I was scared to death. I never had never known anyone that had passed away before. I felt too small and inadequate to provide any comfort at all that could replace even an ounce of the grief Nicole and her family were experiencing. I prayed to God in earnest to help me know what to do and say.
We entered their tiny military house that was filled with snuffles and sobs. Nicole's blonde hair was streaked wet with her tears. I hugged her but froze with not knowing what to do or say. The room was crowded with family and friends. We needed to do something. We went outside and I saw some bikes in the carport. I asked her if she wanted to ride bikes and she nodded yes. Then we saw Chris from school riding his bike around the neighborhood. He seemed aware of the passing of Nicole's mom and wanted to do something for her, too. So we rode bikes. We didn't talk. We just rode and rode and rode. We rode on the grounds of an abandoned school house. We rode through the crunching leaves. We rode fast and we rode together. We cycled until we were too tired and thirsty and finally returned home after a few hours.
My son Trent is 12 and is on his second round of comforting his older cousin who is grieving the loss of his brother to suicide yesterday (he lost his mother to cancer 5 years ago). Nathan is the one who discovered his brother. It was awful. He is staying with us and my poor son doesn't know what to say. But I don't think he needs to say anything. He just needs to be by his side. When Nathan came over they hugged and then went upstairs and played with Hot Wheels. Then they watched a movie. Now they are playing video games and watching another movie. That is enough. Moment by moment they are comforting one another by grieving side by side.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)